If I Ran The Club: A Fan

For the past few months I have watched my father undergo an intensive job search. Observing him has brought to mind the summer trading season in football, in which players and teams also undergo their own searches. Clubs make overtures to players or other clubs, then conduct an elegant negotiating process as each side tries to get what it wants. Players contact teams and float their availability, hoping for a nibble, any nibble, from another club. 
 
Surely there must be another way, I recently thought to myself. Surely there must be a way to simplify this process. To do that, however, would mean being a part of the process itself, so I began fantasizing what it would be like to be the owner (not the manager!) of my favourite club. Now, I realize most fans would rather be the manager, but I wouldn't, and for one simple reason. Managers get fired. Owners don't.
 
Anyway, here I am, the new owner of Liverpool. (My apologies to the current owners. Let's just say it was a non-hostile takeover). Where would I begin? Well, for starters, being the bold and revolutionary owner that I am, and recognizing our need for quality new players, I would do what most companies do: place an advert in the newspaper!
 
Tired of your club? Join ours!
Exciting club with potential to win Champions'
League seeks quality left and centre backs,
as well as a goalkeeper. Competitive pay and
great new kits For more information,
contact Mr. Houllier at: 0151 263 2361
Serious enquiries only, please.
On second thoughts, maybe not. Alright, being the bold and revolutionary owner that I am, I have come up with another brilliant method. Rather than trying to go out and find players, I'll get the players to come to me. This idea is so good, the other Premiership owners and managers quickly join me. And so, we at the English Premiership proudly present the first ever "Summer Player's Job Fair".
 
We'll hold it in a convention room in the poshest hotel in London, complete with snacks for the players as they wait for their interviews. All around the room, each club will have a booth to itself, complete with a table in front loaded with glossy brochures. "Ready for the next move in your career? Then you're ready for Tottenham Hotspur! " "Looking for a job with potential? Then Ipswitch is the place for you!" "Liverpool--winner of the Treble. Ha, ha, ha, Man United." And of course, "Manchester United--is there anything else to say?" Perhaps they will also have a TV and VCR showing a video of an exciting game of theirs from this past season.
 
And so the players circulate, float their cv's (resumes), and go through the requisite interviews. I myself will not attend this fair; rather, I will send my deputy. He or she will be told to pass along the following to every player interviewed. "Thank you for your interest. We'll contact you if we feel a follow-up interview is necessary. If we do, then please bring with you an essay of 100 words or less entitled, 'Why I Wish To Play for Liverpool.' And yes, Mr. Beckham, spelling counts."
 
After making them sweat nervously for a week or so, we contact our call-backs. One by one, they make their way to my office inside the stadium. By this time, they have regained their confidence and so come swaggering in, prepared to hold myself and the team to ransom for several million pounds. In order to neutralize this, I resort to an old trick guaranteed to undermine their confidence. Before they arrive, I cut the legs of their chair off by several inches!
 
And now they sit down. Behind the desk sits myself, with Mr. Houllier and the rest of the staff sitting around me. The rest of the staff doesn't really need to be here, but it makes it look more intimidating if they are, so they are. Our player glances at the walls while I deliberately keep him waiting by scanning his essay as slowly as possible.
 
At last, we're ready to begin. Mr. Houllier starts the process. "Tell us about why you like playing as a left-back." Later, I join in, and between us, we pepper him with questions. At last, however, our player must face the inevitable, the dreaded, the one question we all hate in an interview: "So tell me, why do you want to leave your other job?" What can he say? The salary is terrible? His manager is an idiot? His team-mates have smelly socks? That may all be true, but it will hardly endear him to us. And so he makes up the usual blather, the same way we all do. "Well, I really don't feel there's much potential at my present club. I'm looking for one where I can really grow and develop as a player. I really think this club has exciting things in its future, and I'd like to be a part of that." Translation: your next trophy will help me when I try to stick the next club for a few more million pounds.
 
And so we go back and forth, until I ask the usual concluding question designed to get the interviewee out the door as quickly as possible. "So, do you have any questions?" Just one, the player says. Is it true that Henchoz and Hyypia have smelly socks? I give some polite but evasive answer, then we all stand and shake hands and out he goes.
 
And so the process continues a thousand times more, until Mr. Houllier and I have read all the resumes, compared all our notes, and discussed all our interviews. Gradually, we make those exciting calls to all those hopeful players, and all those polite but blunt ones to everyone else. At last, we have built our team for next season. Will this new strategy work? I don't know. But if you play left back, keep an eye out for the classifieds of your newspaper next season. And make sure you wash your socks before the interview.
 
Adapted and reproduced courtesy of www.footie51.co.uk.

By Lori Lommus